It All Comes Back Around

Black Belt

After suspending my training almost a year ago, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of Tae Kwon Do.  I would find myself performing a poomsae or kicks while waiting for water to boil on the stove, I’d stare at the mirror and practice punches and blocks.

It’s undeniable, Tae Kwon Do has become part of me, part of who I am.   Grandmaster was right, once a Black Belt, always a Black Belt.

So what do I do with this knowledge?  Do I practice on my own, fine tuning what I have already learned?

No.

What I did was contact one of my instructors and let her know that I’m ready to come back to training.  I’m not going to be there 3-4 nights a week plus a private lesson and instructorship training.  I’m just going to class two days a week to train, and that’s it.

While I’m a bit embarrased with the weight I gained while on hiatus (I did no training/exercise of any sort.   NONE!), I’m excited to be going back.  Returning to the dojang has given me the motivation to get off my ever expanding ass and get my shit in order.  My diet is no longer slapdash and unstructured, I’m following a Zone-ish plan (very similar to BFL but a bit more relaxed and less gag-inducing protein shakes and rubberized chicken), and I’ve started doing pilates at home in order to get myself ready for P90X.

Big plans for self-improvement is in the works, I just need to pace myself so I don’t burn myself out before I get really started.

It’s interesting.  Since I left Tae Kwon Do I’ve been carrying around this restless feeling, like I forgot something.  Turns out it was that feeling of not-finishing my training that has haunted me.

Coming back to where I think I belong feels good.

February 24, 2011
Categories: black belt, fitness, Ninja Fitness, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: Leave a Comment

It’s been too long…

…since my last update.

I kind of went totally silent online while I dealt with what I was choosing to do.  I chose to suspend my Tae Kwon Do training for the foreseeable future.  Partly financial reasons, partly because I got burnt out, and mostly because while I was maintaining the schedule I was, my homelife was suffering.

For the past two months, I have not been to the dojang.  In that time, I have installed a huge vegetable garden, cooked dinner a minimum of 3 times a week every week, spent a lot of free time enjoying my children, and actually communicating with my husband.

The break I took made it clear that for now, I need to be home with my family.  The kids are no longer interested in TKD, and in fact, haven’t been for quite some time.  I can finally have a social life.  I’m surprised my friends didn’t write me off, but I actually got together with one of my girlfriends TWICE in the past few weeks.  That’s about 2 more times than I had in the previous three years.

For three years, I worked my ass off in class, private lessons, and eventually teaching.  I started to define myself not by who I was, but what I did.  I put so much of myself into my work at the academy that I barely had anything left for those nearest and dearest to me.  And the cracks started to show.  My husband and I no longer communicated.  Hell, we no longer talked, we just argued and walked on eggshells around each other. He was resentful, I was resentful, and it bubbled over.  I barked at the kids constantly and it seemed they could never do anything right or the first time I asked.  My hip hurt with a burning pain that would not go away.  My life was entirely out of balance.   I lost focus on what was truly important.

Granted, working towards and earning my Cho Dan was the first time I had done something for myself in like…ever, and I milked it for all it was worth.  To the point of being selfish about it.  Everybody had to rearrange their schedule around TKD and my schedule at the academy.  I chose to enter instructorship despite the protests of my husband.  I was right and everybody else was wrong.

Except not.

I can’t put my finger on what finally broke me, but one conversation with my husband stood out.  And it was not good.  I realized I had neglected everybody but myself.

Without making excuses, I recognize that part of that is part of my personality.  I’m very “all or nothing”, and when I commit to something, I give it 100% or I feel its not worth doing.  Unfortunately, I only have 100% to give, and if 100% is going to TKD, then my family gets zip.  Zero.  Nada.

The unrest at home started sneaking into the academy little by little.  I would go to the dojang with an increasingly negative attitude.  To the point where I almost dreaded going in, yet I was like a junkie, I couldn’t give it up.  Not only that, but if I stopped training, wouldn’t that make me a quitter?

Actually, no.  A quitter would have given up the first time she couldn’t make it through a class.  A quitter would have given up when she injured herself.  A quitter would not have earned her black belt.

I truly love the people in the academy, and I will miss seeing them and talking to them on a regular basis.  But those people were also my entire social life and because of that, I had gotten myself so twisted up emotionally about choosing to suspend my training.  It had become unhealthy, the extent to which I pulled away from everything except training.  There are other activities, social and otherwise, that I would like to pursue.  My schedule would not allow that.

Granted I could go back once a week for class, and I’m keeping that option open.  But for now, I’d like to explore some other opportunities.  Plus I need to get to a point where the thought of going in doesn’t cause that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I gave too much of myself and bled myself dry.  I need to fill the well again.

My husband and I are starting to go to the gym together, and take walks together.  The kids are helping me in the garden and we have been enjoying hanging out in the backyard in the afternoons and evenings.

It took taking this break to realize that spending time with my family and actually communicating with them, and enjoying their company, has made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.  My training has also given me the confidence to be able to step back, look at things, and realize that perhaps this part of my life has run it’s course, at least for now.

When my children are older, I don’t want them to feel like I wasn’t around, because I was always at the dojang.  I don’t want them to resent my training, but I want them to be proud of what I accomplished.

April 26, 2010
Categories: Ninja Fitness, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: Leave a Comment

I Need a Monday Do-Over

My youngest was home with a bad cold today, so for the most part the day was uneventful.  It all went to hell quick though.  I went to pick up my oldest from her Jr. High musical rehearsal at 5 pm.  Turns out she doesn’t get out until 5:30 and I need to be at the dojang at 6 pm.  Clearly, that isn’t going to happen, so I call in and let Grandmaster know I’m running just a few minutes late.  I finally get there, take over the last half of class (with some unusually unenthusiastic yellow belts) and get dressed for Hapkido.  I’m not in Hapkido for 5 minutes when I somehow manage to tweak my ankle.

Actually, I don’t know exactly what I did.  I didn’t turn it or twist it, I think I was a victim of not warming up enough.  I bow out and head out to the lobby area.  I make a move to get the ice pack out of the kitchen and the chill of pain runs right up the back of my neck and gives me goose bumps.  Uh oh.  Grandmaster gets the ice pack for me and after a few minutes suggests I head home to rest.  This is an excellent idea.  I do the half-limp/half-hop to collect my belongings and bow out.  My family is a bit stunned to see me at 7:30 as opposed to my usual 10:30.  I have had my foot elevated and  on and off the ice for the past hour.  Ibuprofen has been taken.  It doesn’t look like there is any swelling, but this is the same foot that I had the tendinitis in 2 years ago.  It’s also the same leg as the hip that’s been giving me grief.

Oh, did I not mention that?  One of my hips has been protesting a bit lately.  And by lately I mean for the last 6 months or so.  It’s nothing major, just kind of a nagging ache, tightness and heaviness that is more pronounced if I have to pivot on that leg.  I suspect the family curse of arthritis is trying to introduce itself, so I’m starting to supplement with glucosomine/chondroitin and a few other supplements for joint health.  On particularly twingey days I take ibuprofen or naproxen before class.

While earlier today it was relatively quiet, this evening became a cluster in a hurry.  I suspect this little tweak is just my body’s way of saying “Bitch, take a break!”

February 8, 2010
Categories: Hapkido, injury, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: Leave a Comment

Test Day Recap

My infrequency of posts (and of reading other blogs) is directly due to putting time into working at the dojang.  Not instructing mind you, but actual paid office work.  But that’s a story in and of itself, one that I will probably not go into great detail here.  Part of that is due to my being careful not to divulge proprietary information (Grandmaster also has developed a program he takes out of the dojang to speaking engagements), but also because a lot of it is fairly menial;  typing up lists, sending emails, composing letters, etc.

So, yesterday was my official Black Belt test.  My husband came in the nick of time to tape it with the camcorder.  The fact that he wasn’t there when I walked onto the dojang floor unnerved me a bit, but I did my best to push that to the back of my mind.  I started the test with my highest and favorite poomsae.  I was a little pissed that I messed up the beginning of my favorite, considering it was one of the easiest ones (Tae Guk Sahm Jang – Green Belt), and had to start over, but I executed it flawlessly after that.  The rest went pretty uneventfully.

I was shakier than I would have liked on a few things, seems I was having some balance issues yesterday.  My left hip has been stiff and achy and I think that played a part.  I was paired up with a 13 year old girl for sparring.  She was also testing for Cho Dan and on the video I look slow and heavy compared to her.  But I got a good whack or two in, and she did as well.

I didn’t get much feedback after the test.  The lower belt testers received their new belts, and we can’t even be told that we’ve passed until next month’s Black Belt ceremony, however Grandmaster did give all of us testing for full rank individual “Good Jobs!”.  This next month is looked at as a probationary period.  It’s a period of observation to make sure that you continue to conduct yourself in a manner becoming of a Black Belt.  So even though I did well on the test, and I’m certain I passed, it still does not yet feel complete.  Once I receive that black belt, I’m sure I’ll feel as though my Cho Dan test is finished.

I’m also kind of looking forward to what is to come with the new requirements I will have to learn.

October 25, 2009
Categories: belt testing, black belt, Cho Dan, poomsae, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: 5 Comments

The Day Has Come….

for my Black Belt test!  It’s amazing that this day is here finally.  I’m looking forward to performing my best and having fun.  It’s going to be a LONG day though.  I need to be at the dojang at 8 am and I don’t anticipate leaving until about 6 pm, and that will be to go to dinner with all those that are Black Belts or have tested for Black Belts.

Given that I’m pressed for time, I’ll give an update tomorrow when I’m rested.

October 24, 2009
Categories: belt testing, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: Leave a Comment

Two Down, One to Go

Saturday was my requirement check for my black belt test.  Our academy decided to have those testing for full rank come to a pre-test to perform all the requirements for our test (which is a lot more for full rank than for a standard color belt test).  I was stressing about it so much the few days prior.  It also didn’t help that I was pre-menstrual (sorry guys!).  I always feel stressed that time of my cycle and the test anxiety added to it made me a little jumpy.  I had become seriously OCD about the paperwork I needed to turn in that day, especially the Kukkiwon full rank application.  Every hour or so the day or two before, I would go through all my paperwork to make sure nothing had mysteriously vanished.

My youngest daughter tested on Saturday, and passed, but not without a little struggle on her poomsae.  She kept turning the wrong way and finally fixed it after a brief review with one of the supervising black belts.  It was a good experience for her having to struggle a little.  All her other tests came fairly easy and I think that it was important that she had one that didn’t go all that smoothly.  She got a little frustrated and teary, but in the end found the strength to perform well.  I was paired up with her for sparring, since there was not another higher belt available.  That was a little weird, but she did really well and it was acknowledged that she improved since her last test.  Because I was present for her test, and the requirement check was afterward, I didn’t have the time I hoped I would to review my requirements.

So I went in relatively cold, which in retrospect was probably good, considering that I was drenched in sweat by the time I was done.  We are only allowed three mistakes in order to pass.  I made two very minor ones but corrected them immediately.  I knew as soon as I did them that I made a mistake, and both were at the beginning of a sequence of requirements.  There were three others testing with me and they had us start at different points in the requirement sequence.  This made it a challenge to focus and not get distracted by the fact that my neighbor was doing something different.  At one point, the others were instructed to review specific requirements because mistakes were made, so I was on the floor by myself performing the rest of my requirements.  It could have been stressful, but I think the time I’ve had in front of class leading warmups and review made it easier for me to be on the spot without completely loosing my composure.

When I came out, the higher level black belts (who will be testing for their next full rank next month) congratulated me, and that felt great!  It’s been acknowledged that due to the amount of material we need to perform at the requirement check, that it is, in effect, our black belt test.  The test I will perform next month will be much shorter in duration and have far fewer requirements (actually the same as verification, which was part 1, and is a sort of requirement check, to make sure that you are learning all the requirements necessary).  I’m actually looking forward to it and not dreading it (although ask me 2 days before the test, my feelings on that may change).

Looking back, it’s hard to believe I’ve come as far as I have.  I can still remember what it felt like to be a white belt surrounded by all these colored belts and not knowing what I had gotten myself into.  I can also look back and not recognize the person I was at the beginning of my training.  I had no idea at that time that Tae Kwon Do would transform me, mind body and soul.  My journey has taught me the truth of Pil Seung.  That winning IS inevitable.

September 28, 2009
Categories: belt testing, poomsae, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: 2 Comments

Pre-Test Checklist

This Saturday is Part 2 of 3 of my Black Belt test.  It is the longest and most involved part, and once I get past this, it’s fairly smooth sailing.  Let’s see how prepared I am (everything needs to be turned in on Saturday):

Test Application – not filled out yet

Essay – half-way done

Test Fee – don’t want to think about it

Kukkiwon Application – complete except for my head shot

Community Service project – almost done, and write up needs to be completed, with pictures

Requirements – I feel pretty good about them.

I need to know a lot and went through all of the requirements yesterday at my private lesson.  I was happy that any mistakes I made were not the kind that will count in the test.  At this point, I feel very comfortable with where I am with everything.  All my Tae Guk poomsae have been fine tuned and committed to memory.  I just hope I don’t botch something simple,  like a white belt technique.

Tonight I’m going to focus on completing my essay and community service project, and tomorrow I’ll focus on the rest of the paperwork.

September 20, 2009
Categories: belt testing, poomsae, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: 1 Comment

Enjoy the Silence

It’s the first day of school for my girls.  Em is starting Jr. High and it was her first time ever having to take a school bus.  Unfortunately for all of us, she has to be there by 7:10.  We are not morning people in this house and waking up at 6 am was downright painful.  Both girls set out their clothes the night before and this morning both of them were showered, fed and dressed with plenty of time to spare.  Em had a smile all morning and was actually more excited that nervous about starting at a new school and having a new routine.  It felt very strange sending her off to the bus stop on her own.  My first instinct was to walk her there, but I suspect that she would have been mortified if I had even suggested the idea.  Beck is growing up as well.  I walked with her to school and as soon as she found where she had to line up, she sent me home.  I guess 3rd grade is the age where it is so not cool to have your mom hanging around on the first day of school.  She even informed me that she wants to walk home by herself, this being the first year that she is allowed to do so by the school.  When I got back home, my husband was ready to leave so I drove him to the train station.  After swinging by Starbucks (for Chai, no more coffee for me), I came home and just sat for a few minutes soaking in the silence.  It has been so long since I have had time during the day to myself that just knowing that I will be uninterrupted for 6+ hours was enough to fill me with joy.

And the spirit of productivity.  At noon, I am already on my 4th load of laundry after having neglected it for the better part of a week.  Dishes were done, sink was cleaned, dry cleaning was collected, beds were made.

The past week or so has been so hectic with Tae Kwon Do and getting ready for the school year that this day of silence is such a treat.

My instructorship training seems to have ratcheted up a notch and I should be starting to lead classes in the very near future.  I will start out with lining everyone up, calling them to attention, and leading them through warm-ups.  Eventually, after mastering that, I will start to lead some of the training.  It’s still very uncomfortable being in front of class, and being the only non-Black Belt in instructorship has led to a bit of self-doubt.  The biggest obstacle I’m finding is shifting my mindset from student to teacher/leader.  I have been a follower my entire life.  I also find that I have a tendency to want direction instead of giving it.  At 37 years old, this is the first time I have ever been in a leadership position and it has shoved me right out of my comfort zone.  That is not a bad thing.  Nothing big or important is ever accomplished by staying in one’s comfort zone.

I brought up some of my concerns to one of the instructors and she reassured me that I’m a good candidate for instructorship.  She pointed out that I take direction well, and take critiques and suggestions without excuses or becoming defensive.  She also said that I need to embrace feeling silly or awkward while learning, and that when I do learning to teach becomes much easier.  That for me is my biggest challenge.  Like a lot of people, I have perfectionist tendencies, and I don’t often find something that I can’t learn to do well in a short amount of time.  Instructing is one of those things that isn’t coming very easily to me.  While I’ve had a couple students tell me I’m a natural in class, I can’t help but feel as though I’m shouting at them when issuing commands.  I suspect part of that is my aversion to conflict.  Deep down, I think a raised voice=bad and scary.  She also advised me to emulate her or another instructor until I find a style that I’m comfortable with and is more my own.

What I am enjoying is some of the newer experiences I’m having.  Thursday I get to observe the White Belt test and do my best to think like an instructor and test judge.  The other instructors are feeling more comfortable about leaving me alone with the class for a few minutes if they need to leave the training floor for any reason.  And best is that I am getting to know the instructors on a more personal level and I’m finding that I really, really like them as people.

All this is happening on top of the push towards my Black Belt test in October.  For the next three months I have something test related to do at the dojang.  This month, it’s verification, which is basically to give me feedback on what I’m learning at my current belt level.  Next month is my pre-test, which for all intents and purposes, is my Black Belt test.  I need to know all 8 lower belt poomsaes and all the board breaking kicks we have learned, not to mention all the stuff I need to know for verification.  My actual Black Belt test will be the info from my verification, plus one-to-one and sparring.  I also have a fairly long essay to write and a community service project to complete before my test.  And I still need to assist in lower belt classes in order to test.  In the past week I have been taking part in almost every class.  It’s a fantastic feeling knowing that I have the strength and energy to get through 3 classes on Saturday, and one on Monday (along with a fitness class), Tuesday and Thursday, not to mention a private lesson Tuesday afternoon.  Unfortunately though, I’m gone quite a few evenings a week and my family suffers because there is a definite reduction in home cooked meals, laundry being done, and housecleaning.

It’s all worth it though, if I can now make up for all that with the time I have during the day, without the distraction of having to drive the kids everywhere, break up fights, and feeding them (I swear, it’s like they eat constantly).

While the contents of my gym bag and the bag itself airs out after a Febreeze treatment (the whole bag smelled like feet), I’m off to Play It Again Sports to find a hogoo for Beck.  She seems to have lost hers.  I would totally understand losing a glove or forearm guard, but an entire hogoo?  They aren’t that small, so I can’t imagine where it wound up considering it never appeared in the dojang’s lost and found.

August 19, 2009
Categories: belt testing, leadership, offspring, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: 4 Comments

I Need a School Vacation after my Summer Vacation

For the first time in like….ever, our summer around here is so busy with activity that I haven’t really felt as though I’ve had a lot of free time.  When the kids got out of school in early June I had visions of getting through some books that I’ve wanted to read, tinkering in the garden, spinning or knitting, and barbecuing almost every night.  Instead life has been full of swim practice, TKD classes, ice skating lessons, and doctor  & vet appointments (my bird nearly died from a bacterial infection – all good now), not to mention trying (in vain) to keep the house somewhat in order when the kids are in it and so bored that they feel the need to change clothes 3 times a day and dump the rejects on the floor.  I had WAY more free time when the kids were in school.

Two weeks ago I had my last colored belt test before my black belt test in October.  I can’t believe that in 4 months I’ll have completed and demonstrated everything I learned in the past two years.  Funny two how the higher up I get in rank, the more I feel like I need to work.  It’s that interesting phenomenon of having the knowledge of what I don’t know.  As a lower belt I had an idea, but not enough to realize that there is a lot more to what I’m doing than going through the motions when I’m supposed to.  Sure I have better technique and control, but I look at the students who earned their black belts last year, and I realize that I still have a long way to go.  Grandmaster is getting increasingly nit-picky (in a good way) in my lessons, tweaking my arm positions or foot positions so they are closer to the ideal I am striving for.

I’ve discovered that I’m starting to enjoy sparring, but it depends on the partner.  The school recently started requiring that we have face masks along with helmets so we can take, and give, face punches.  It has made things much more interesting.  I still have a tendency to concentrate so much on the kicks coming at me that I totally forget to guard my face.  Normally this isn’t a huge deal in class, but when I’m paired up with our 4th degree black belt (who is a former boxer), I have a tendency to get my bell rung a bit.  It’s an excellent lesson in defending myself.  He’s quite agressive as a sparring partner, but will back off if he feels I’m struggling more than normal.  Somehow I’ve managed to get a reputation that I can take a hit.  Maybe because when Grandmaster specifies full contact, I don’t pull punches myself.

I have a LOT of paperwork to complete by the end of September for my Black Belt application that is to be sent to Korea, and I think I’m going to be living and breathing TKD for the next four months.  I’m determined to go into my requirement check, pre-test and test (need to pass each one to move on), with as much confidence as I can muster.  My goal is to go in with an attitude of knowing everything backwards and forwards, to reduce the amount of performance anxiety down as much as possible.  Thankfully I completed all my board breaking requirements a few months ago.

I’m actually looking forward to a new goal I’m taking on.  Apparently the Hanmadang (that link takes you to info about this years competition in Korea) international competition is coming to Chicago next summer and a handful of us are planning on competing in Poomsae.  It’s an opportunity that both thrills me and scares me, but if we go as a group, we are sure to have a blast.  I’m off to my lesson.

July 14, 2009
Categories: belt testing, Hanmadang, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: Leave a Comment

RIP Starbucks?

As my training is progressing, Grandmaster has routinely put me in more and more situations where I am helping teach or train newer students.  I always suspected he was grooming me to be an instructor, but now I know for sure.  I have been officially invited to join their instructorship program.

While this is a huge honor, and 8 months after that original post, I finally feel as though I want to be an instructor, and I think I would be a good one, I’m not sure we can swing it.   It costs money and that is in increasingly short supply lately.   It’s not a huge amount in the scheme of things, but still a possible hardship.  Quitting my daily Starbucks would probably free up some of the cost for the year.  My husband and I are going to go through our finances and see if there is anything we can give up to make it work.  I’m thinking subscriptions, both print and online, and I’m sure there are a few other things we could find as well.

The timing couldn’t be worse as we just had to buy another car because my husbands 15 year old car finally decided it had enough.  Even though we bought used, we still financed.  After the down payment on that and signing up for the local pool (for my kids, especially my 10 yo, the swimmer), our tax return has already been spent.  TKD seems to have a detrimental effect on the credit limit on our credit cards.  It seems like there is always something to pay for (tests, seminars, equipment the kids have outgrown, uniforms they have outgrown).  When talking to Grandmaster about the cost and what the time committment would be, my husband was ready (as always) with the automatic “Thanks, but no thanks”.  Whereas it is something I am interested enough in to think “Wait a minute, I can make some sacrifices”.  Hell, I already gave up the acrylic nails and my pedicures, I can give up some of my other non-essentials for this opportunity.

We need to give an answer in about a week, so I better get crackin’ on those finances.

March 23, 2009
Categories: leadership, Tae Kwon Do . . Author: Amy . Comments: 5 Comments

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